We Are Never Ever Becoming Friends

Taylor Swift and I will never be friends.

This isn’t because the chances of us meeting is out of the realm of possibility. She surely dates enough people to eventually know someone who knows someone who I know.

Nor will our lack of friendship be because of my distaste of her music. I hate to admit it but I am still obsessed with “I Knew You Were Trouble” and do shamefully like songs like “Love Story” and “You Belong with Me.” Yeah, I said it. This would probably put us in friend territory, or at least acquaintances.

But the real reason we will never be friends is because she doesn’t know how to take a joke and proceeded to bash Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. No one takes a stab at them and gets away with it!

In the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Swift addresses the joke that was made by Fey during the Golden Globes that she should stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son. If she didn’t want her dating life to be public fodder then maybe she should learn how to keep all her boyfriends a secret and not buy houses near them, or write songs about them.

For Swift to go ahead and make a comment like this is just plain rude:

“You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.'”

ImageIt’s ironic that Katie Couric was able to enlighten Swift with this quote by Madeleine Albright. Couric was really doing a great job of helping a fellow woman when she inadvertently contributed to the downfall of Sarah Palin on national television by not sensing the duress Palin was under at thinking of a newspaper she read. (Note: I do not support Sarah Palin in any way, shape, or form other than pure entertainment value which resulted in a great Halloween costume in 2008).

I think that Swift is just in a constant quest to play the victim- that’s why she writes songs about unrequited love, heartbreak, and wanting to appear like the bigger person. Naturally she would want to try to bring down Fey and Poehler like every other person she has let her in life briefly because she uses this all as a muse.

If she ever writes a song about mean girls, I will certainly not find myself singing along to it or watching remix videos of goats and motion activated paper towel dispensers with it because at the end of the day, Fey and Poehler are the best. And if they’re going to hell, I can’t wait to see them there.



Thursday Just Ain’t The Same

There was something weird about TV last night. And no, it wasn’t that I actually watched Glee and semi-enjoyed the ending (Santana in Brooklyn? Say what!). No, the strange part was that something was missing; something that’s been there every Thursday night for the past 7 years.

It was the first Thursday without 30 Rock.

30rockNo witty Liz Lemon. No savvy Jack Dononaghy. No ridiculous Tracy Jordan or Jenna Maroney. No naive Kenneth Parcell. No misfit writers.

It made me realize one thing: life without Tina Fey is just no fun. I know I will see Tina again, and not just in my daydreams where we are BFF’s sharing bottles of wine and laughs with Amy Poehler. Tina is starring in Admission alongside Paul Rudd, opening in theatres on March 22. (Yes, that’s a shameless plug for you to go support her). Entertainment Weekly told me that she’s also locked in a contract with Universal that will bring her back to TV sets everywhere around 2014. But what are we supposed to do until then?

Aside from watching Parks & Recreation and enjoying Poehler’s humor, we must wait. Except waiting is boring. So let’s take a moment to reflect on Liz Lemon & company’s finest moments as a way of saying thank you to Tina and NBC for creating quality comedy in a time of terrible television.



Tina Fey & Amy Poehler Are Golden

That squealing sound you heard in the distance? That wasn’t a cat in heat, or a child throwing a hissy fit because they lost the shoe to their Barbie/Lego man. No, that was me shrieking in joy because NBC just announced that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are co-hosting the Golden Globes in January. *Cue more squealing*

Yes, that’s right. Tina Flawless Fey and Amy Freaking Poehler, the funniest and wittiest ladies in the business are co-hosting the award show that should be giving them numerous awards (hopefully). Not only is this a much needed diversion from the former controversial host, Ricky Gervais, this is another step in the right direction in having females take the leading roles.

And it’s about time they hosted a show because these ladies are hilarious! From their days at Chicago’s Second City to Saturday Night Live, to films like Mean Girls, Baby Mama, and their hit shows  30 Rock and Parks & Recreation, can anyone name better ladies to host the Globes than these two? Nope, they are the cream of the crop.

January is still 3 months away so until then I will just keep on laughing with Liz Lemon and Leslie Knope and continue to read “Bossypants” like it’s my Bible.

Shipping Wars: Destroying the Internet Since Forever

We live in a very combative society. Rather than focus on the similarities one has with another, people focus on the differences.

“He went a community college, I’m Ivy League. She dyes her hair at home, I go to the salon. I drink Pepsi, Coke sucks.”

Rather than stating, “Hey we’re both educated, get our hair done, and like soda,” the differences are singled out. This is much more noticeable on the Internet, where you better have your body armor on if you dare decide to make a comment about a TV characters or a celebrity in a public space, like Tumblr.

A recent blog post of mine about the obviously staged “romance” between two Gleeks has been getting a lot of views. Almost all the feedback has been positive because yes, people agree with me. Yet last night, I got my first batch of “hate mail.” I guess that’s when you know you’ve made an impact- you’ve ruffled some 14 year old’s Selena Gomez pajamas.

Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion but the fact that fans of the same show, and of the same people, can be so inclined to rip one another apart like a vulture on a freshly available carcass in the woods just because they don’t agree 100% on the Internet is just wrong.

So to mimic one of the people I admire most, I’m going to answer those messages here, like Tina Fey so perfectly did in Bossypants when she published and replied to rude Internet comments:

Dear Anonymous #1,

You don’t know me nor do you know the experience I do have. You’re the only sending anonymous messages to a stranger on a Friday night. Maybe you should re-evaluate your own life choices.

Dear Anonymous #2,

I’m sorry that you’re bored by my words. I would be a lump of useless misery too if I was you. Falling for everything that the media shows you is a pretty sad and mundane existence. It’s almost as sad as the fact that you probably asked your Justin Bieber cardboard stand-up for advice on what to say to me.

Dear Anonymous #3.

Please pick up the nearest dictionary. Oh, you don’t know what that is? Okay, then please go to www.merriam-webster.com and look up the word “Opinion.” With me so far? Okay, good. Now look up “Blog.” Now put it them together in a sentence and repeat after me: “A blog is the work of one expressing themselves and their opinions.” Welcome to the real world, good luck existing.

In conclusion, the following needs to be reiterated:

  • I will never believe that Lea Michele and Cory Monteith are dating. N-E-V-E-R
  • Achele FTW. Internet slang, I can do it too.
  • I don’t care how many tween Monchele fans come after me. Their real “ship” name should be Mith because that’s exactly what it is (and at least I know the proper spelling is with a ‘y’)
  • Sarcasm is one of the greatest tools of the English language.

Thank you all and have a great day! (said without sarcasm)

Best of 2011

Best Song:

Lady Gaga – Born This Way

This song is on the right track to be the anthem of the year.

Best Album:

Adele – 21

If she doesn’t sweep the Grammy Awards in February, I will lose my faith in the music industry completely.

Best Music Video:

Katy Perry – Last Friday Night

Can’t help but love the homage to 80’s movies and the random celebrity appearances.

Best TV Show:


Okay, so I may get frustrated with storylines and the writers’ general lack of knowledge about their own show, but it’s still the best show on TV with a ridiculously talented cast. It doesn’t hurt that basically everyone is so attractive it hurts.

Best Movie:


Thank you Kristin Wiig for showing the world just how funny women can be funny. And Melissa McCarthy, you are a scene stealer. Please go to the bathroom in sinks more often

Best Book:

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Dear Tina: Do you know how much I love you? Let me count the ways… oh wait, there aren’t enough numbers to express that

Best Actor/Actress:

Ryan Gosling

Even though I still haven’t seen Crazy Stupid Love, Ides of March, or Drive (I know, I suck), I can tell that Ryan Gosling is clearly the biggest actor of the year. His face (/”Photoshopped” body) and name seem to be everywhere. There’s even a Tumblr page of a collection of Gosling Tumblr pages. That’s when you know you’ve made it.

Biggest Break-up

Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries

I’m still crying over Kim and Kris’ breakup. I’ve lost all faith in love now! NOT! Their breakup was big because it was disgusting. Who divorces after 72 days? Oh right, spoiled rotten brats like Kim Kardashian who abuse the right to marry while pocketing millions of dollars and ratings in the progress. It’s really sad that people are afraid that gay marriage will ruin the sanctity of marriage, yet being allowed to do this is okay. What a world we live in.

Biggest Loser:

Ashton Kutcher

Sure, he got a record-breaking contract on a highly publicized show, but he’s a loser. Who cheats on Demi Moore?! Also, what’s happened to his adorable face? All that scruff just makes him look even more like, well, the Biggest Loser of 2011

Person of the Year:

Steve Jobs

There’s really not much left to say about the late genius. He has changed the way we listen to music, talk to our friends, and how we interact on a daily basis. His contributions to technology will be remembered forever and we thank him for sharing his creativity with the world. May he Rest In Peace

Who to Watch in 2012

Lana Del Rey

She became an internet sensation recently and sold out shows without even having released an album, trust me, I was one of those who wasn’t able to get tickets but don’t take my word for it, have a listen to her brilliance.

Weekly Recap

So much to write about, so little time. Here’s a quick recap of the latest Hollywood news:

  • Ryan Reynolds is crowned the 2010 Sexiest Man Alive. Agree or disagree?
  • Prince William is engaged. Let’s hope the paparazzi leave Kate Middleton alone unlike Princess Diana.
  • Pink is pregnant.
  • Eva Longoria and Tony Parker divorcing? Guess she can’t be called a Desperate Housewife.
  • 30 Rock is moving to the 10pm time slot.  Now Tina Fey can write dirty jokes. Yay!
  • Last week’s Glee episode, “Never Been Kissed,” addressed the bullying epidemic. Last night Gwyneth Paltrow rocked as a substitute teacher. Let’s hope Ryan Murphy & Co. keep up continuity and previous storylines in the upcoming episodes. PS- Brittany and Artie DON’T go together!
  • Sarah Palin’s show debuted on TLC to the channels’ highest ratings ever. That scares me.
  • Her daughter Willow used homophobic slurs to insult someone on Facebook who disliked her mom’s TV show. Really? Way to be mature. Oh wait, what did we expect from a family of buffoons? God help us all in 2012.

“Even Hitler Hates Me” McGee

To quote SNL this past weekend in regards to cheating husbands like Jesse James and less than admirable mistresses like Michelle “Bombshell” McGee:

“There is no Oscar curse, the curse is there are women like Bombshell McGee running around…when your body looks like a dirtbag’s binder from 7th grade metal shop it doesn’t bode well for your character…For every Sandra Bullock there’s a woman who got a tattoo on her forehead because she ran out of room on her labia…Bombshell McGee, I know you’re into Hitler stuff and white supremacy, but if Hitler were alive today even he would be like, ‘Poor Sandra Bullock is so likable.'”


First matters first: If McGee takes to her pathetic Facebook Fan Page to attack Tina Fey’s comments the way she did to Chelsea Handler, not only will she prove her ignorance yet again but she will probably hear an outlash from me. And believe me, I’d be so brutally honest that the Swastika tattooed above her private part will cry and beg for mercy.

I find something seriously wrong with people who get joy and satisfaction out of the suffering and pain of others. That’s exactly what McGee is doing. She’s trying to play the good girl card that she’s a good woman for coming clean about the affair. Right. I’m so sure she did it out of the kindness of her heart to help Sandra. She must have a tattoo inside her head that has damaged her brain from thinking before she slept with James. A good woman would have tried to clarify if they were still together. All she needed to do was read a friggen magazine and search online to find out!

But no. She allowed the affair to happen because she wanted it. She wanted fame from it. She’s a fame-whore. And even though that is a crude word, she epitomizes it in more ways than one. After all, with news that she slept with Carey Hart in the past as well, it becomes pretty obvious that this woman would have sex with anyone in order to be famous. Clearly she could only get someone on her own level of tattoos and motorcycles but anyone with class would have run in the opposite direction.

What this post is really saying is: I am sick and tired of fame-whore mistresses milking their 15 minutes of fame! First Tiger’s ladies and now this mother load of a mistake. What is the world coming to?

And I certainly agree, even the monster Hitler would be rocking a Team Bullock shirt if he was alive. And with Hitler against her, McGee really has nothing left to live for anymore. So “Bombshell,” please ride off on your motorcycle into nothingness now. Thank you.